Monday Nyquil
By: Michael Gelfand
Tony: Fans, welcome to this edition of WCW: Monday Nyquil, live from the Georgia Dome!!
Dusty: Dis gonna be da biggest Nyquil evah, Tony. Hollawood da Icon i here. So i Scott Hall, who dus Too Saaaaaaaaaawwwwwwweeeett
Tony: Dream, I can’t believe you did this to us. Our kids used to play together!!
Dusty: I know, but yo kids stopped wantin to play wit Dustin fo some reason aftah dat Goldust ting.
Tony: Anyway, Larry Zbysco, Iron Mike Tenay, do we have a show tonight!!
Mike: That’s right, Tony, a huge 6-man Luchadore tag match followed by the Cruiserweight title match between Eddie Guerrero and Chris Jericho.
Larry: Nobody cares about that crap!! Scott Hall, if you show your face tonight, I’m gonna take you to Larryland!!
Dusty: Dat sounds like fun. Can I come too?
Tony: Sheesh!! Folks, our big, once in a lifetime main event tonight!! A non-title match between DDP and Curt Hennig!! Let’s get down to the ring. We have Lizmark, Super Calo and Silver king against Villano’s 17, 124, and 392.
Dusty: Pufect’s kickin butt tonight!!
Larry: I don’t think so, Lardass!!
Tony (not paying attention at all to what’s going on in the ring) Hollywood Hogan will be here tonight-
Dusty: Wit ma man Easy E!!
Tony: It’s no wonder we win the ratings every week.
Mike: Isn’t anyone gonna call the match?
Larry: No, we’re talking about more important things right now.
Tony: Bret Hart will be here as well, and so will Ric Flair
Mike: A rollup by a Villano!! The Villanos win!! (In the 20-second shot of the audience, the ring is cleared, and Hogan’s new “hip” guitar music begins playing)
Tony: Oh God, here we go again!!
Bischoff: I loooooovvvveee you Hollywood!!! You are THE ICON!!!
Hogan: Well, you know something mean gene? I heard a rumor that Stink is in the building tonight!! (begins flexing)
Bischoff: You show em who the man is, Hollywood!
Tony: This is disgusting.
Hogan: Take a look at this, Stink!! In fact, I challenge you right here tonight!!! To a match!!
Bischoff: See how kind he is, folks?
Tony: Oh gosh!! Sting vs. Hogan tonight? Can’t get much better than this.
Dusty: It can if I can get me some big macs!
Hogan: And JJ Dillon, I’m gonna show you tonight why that title is mine!! (Starts playing an invisible guitar as his “beard” drips down his neck)
Bischoff: Dillon!! Nash can do the powerbomb anytime he wants to anyone he wants and that’s the case because there are NO problems within the NWO, right Hollywood?
Hogan: That’s right, bra. Macho Man, you wanna be on your own, that’s fine with the family, but watcha gonna do?? When the largest arms in the world go wild on you!!!!
(Bischoff shoots Hogan a really puzzled look as the two of them exit)
Tony: Well, folks, you heard it here. Sting vs. Hogan tonight.
Mike: Now we have Kidman vs. Bill Goldberg. Tony, this should be an incredible match. Kidman’s high-flying athleticism vs. Goldberg’s raw power.
Tony: Don’t say that word!!!
Mike: What word?
Tony: The “R” word.
Mike: Oh! Anyway, this match will probably last us well into hour #2.
(Goldberg comes down, gives Kidman jackhammer and pins him before the bell even rings. The flock tries to interfere but Goldberg gives them a mean look and they sit down)
Tony: That was quicker than expected.
Mean Gene: Ladies and gentlemen, the Chairman of the WCW executive committee, Mr. James J. Dillon!!
Dillon: Gene, Tonight on Nyquil, I have an announcement to make. The executive committee has been forced to act due to the situation with the Giant. We have decided to ban a few moves: The Stinger Splash, the Leg Drop, and the Scorpion Deathlock.
Gene: The Sharpshooter too?
Dillon: No, that’s okay. And if anyone violates these rules, they will be tarred and feathered on the spot. (leaves)
Gene: Well, this is huge. Back to you, Tony.
Tony: Well, that’s surely an interesting development.
Larry: Why the Stinger Splash? That’s never injured anyone. In fact, neither have the other two moves.
Tony: JJ is just being cautious legend. Remember, he knows what is best for all. Now, the last match of hour one has Chris Jericho taking on Eddie Guerrero for the Cruiserweight title.
Mike: This should be a dandy!!!
(Guerrero and Jericho hits the ring. Jericho tries to talk, his mic is not working)
Tony: Thank God.
Dusty: Had dat happen once ta da macro wave ting. Had a nuvous breakdown did I.
Tony: Boy, they’re really going at it!! Jericho with a spinning hurricanrana!!!
Mike: Victory roll!!! one, two, no!!! (After about 5 minutes of high flying action, Raven gets up from his seat and hits the ring)
Tony: What’s he up to?
(Raven hits the ring and DDT’s Jericho.)
Tony: DDT!!!! Guerrero covers…one…two…three!!!!
(Guerrero bows before Raven)
Mike: It would appear that Eddy Guerrero has joined Raven’s Flock!!!
Tony: What a beginning to hour #2. How about that, Bobby the Brain Heenan?
Bobby: Who cares? They’re both nobodies anyway. Reminds me of when I had to manage the Red Rooster.
Tony: Let’s go to Mene Gene.
Mene Gene: Ladies and gentlemen, a man who needs no introduction here in Atlanta, Georgia, the Nature Boy Ric Flair!!!!
(Flair comes down and his music is playing)
Flair: Meeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn Geeeeennnneeee!!!! Whooo!! WE ARE IN Charlotte, North Carolina, baby!! (Gene tries to interrupt, but Flair keeps talking). I gotta tell ya, Geno, this is the most exciting Nyquil ever!!
Gene: Ric, there are rumors going around that you are in the WCW doghouse. How do you respond to that?
Flair: To be the man, you have to beeeaat the man!! Geno, the suits in the dubbya see dubbya are just looking for someone decent to fight the Nature Boy!!
Gene: So what have you been doing lately?
Flair (looking down): Promoting toys. I’m outta here to go look at the classifieds. (leaves)
Gene: Well, that was enlightening. Let’s give it up for another WCW star, Bret Hart
(A gay-sounding rip-off of Bret’s WWF music plays, and Bret enters)
Gene: Bret Hart, you requested this interview. Do you want to challenge someone?
Bret: Not quite, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew how much the WWF has screwed me, and how much of a scum that Vince McMahon is.
Gene: Well, I don’t really see anything new about this..
Bret: I’m just pissed off that more fans are watching that scummy program since I left. I wish everyone was as naive and whiny as me!! (leaves)
Gene: Back to you, Tony.
(After a few boring matches where the announcers do nothing but hype the main event, it’s finally time for the last two matches)
Tony: Folks, it’s time for our once in a lifetime DOUBLE main event. First off, it’s DDP vs. Curt Hennig in a non-title match.
Bobby: Tony, haven’t these guys fought like 18 times-
Tony (interrupting): That’s enough, Brain. Hennig with an elbow, DDP catches him. Pancake piledriver!!
Dusty: Pufect’s already got this match won.
Mike: Page with a headlock. A rollup into a leg-hold.
Bobby: Hey Dusty, when’s the last time you did a hold like that?
Dusty: When somebody tried to steal my footlong sub!! EEENNNN Dubbya OH!!
Tony: Hennig with the Perfect- I mean, Hennig plex!!! one….two..no. Page kicked out, page kicked out!!!
Mike: Nobody has ever kicked out of the Hennig-plex!! He developed that move in the WCW powerplant last year.
Bobby: Wait a second, I remember-
Tony: That’s enough, Brain. WCW does not concern itself with facts. Hennig punches, Page ducks, Diamond Cutter!!!! One….two…three!!! what an incredible match!!!
Bobby (yawning, reads from his script): Yeah, Tony, that was greatest match Nitro has ever seen.
(Scott Hall hits the ring as Page leaves)
Tony: Oh God!!
Bobby: nighty night. (Falls asleep)
Hall: Ey Yo!! It’s survey time again. Now who’s here for…dubbya see dubbya?
(crowd yawns)
Who’s here to see the…. (silence for about five minutes, but the crowd realizes Hall won’t go away unless they play along)
Crowd: N, W, O
Hall: One more for the good guys. (As he leaves, he gets hit in the face with a cheesesteak). Yummy
Tony: Now it’s time for the Main Event. Sting vs. Hollywood Hogan!!
Bobby: Here we go!!
Dusty: Boy, I’m hungry!! Hollawood gonna kick some dat Crow’s butt.
Michael Buffer: LLLLLLLAAAAAADIES and Gentlemen, it’s time for tonight’s main event. Atlanta, Georgia, are you ready? I said are you ready? LLLLLLLEEEETTTTTS get ready to Rumblllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeee!!!! Introducing first, accompanied by “Easy E”, he is the former two-time WCW champ, the leader of the New World Order, he dyes his beard black and still takes steroids, he’s 45 but looks 60, Hollywood Hogan!!
(Hogan comes down to the ring to a chorus and boos and drinks with Bischoff. A cup of fruit juice hits Hogan in the face, mixing with his dyed-black beard, turning his beard a shade of red or orange.)
Dusty: No dat proves he’s da Icon!!!
Bobby: Dusty, you only feel that way because now his beard looks like a hot dog!
Dusty: Damn right!!
Buffer: And his opponent: Former WCW champion, winner of the match of the decade. Has the best impression of Brandon Lee on the planet.Ladies and gentlemen, Sttttiiinnng!!
(Sting decends from the rafters, but unfortunately, some moron made the chord too short, leaving Sting hanging above the ring. Hogan, meanwhile, is struggling with his shirt which was not pretorn)
Tony: You can feel the excitement!!
Mike: Tony, it just doesn’t get any better than this.
Bobby: Somebody’s gotta help these guys!!
(Sting unhooks the chord and hits the ring as a drink hits his face and washes off the makeup.)
Tony: Sting rips off Hogan’s shirt!!! Here we go!!!
(Sting and Hogan prepare to wrestle, but just stare at each other and stall)
Bobby: What the hell is going on?
Tony: Each man’s reportoire has been completely banned by JJ Dillon!!! Here comes Bret Hart, here comes Nash and Hall!! Folks were are out of time!!!